ON LOS ANGELES (BLOG BELOW)
ON BODY IMAGE
I've recently learned that the best way to connect is to be real. No one is used to it. Showing flaws only shows that I'm human.
I've had this subject matter on my mind for a while but couldn't quite find the words to really articulate what I'm feeling (Not sure if any of this rambling will hit home- but I'll try) This past weekend I was in search of a new bathing suit for a couple upcoming trips. I went store to store only building frustration. Frustration with my body, frustration with my eating habits, frustration with these old thoughts of inadequacy. In the process of not finding a bathing suit I found out a lot about myself. I found that I still struggle with body image almost 12 years later. I found that I'm not fully healed from this disease of the mind no matter how many years have passed. I found that i'm not the only one who struggles.
Let me paint this picture for you....
I'm going from store to store trying on bathing suits the sale people are pulling for me. I visited 9 stores. 6 of the 9 stores mentioned that they had nothing in my "plus size" . Every bathing suit I try on I snapped a photo to Erik. After EVERY PHOTO he would reply with something so positive. He would tell me that I'm beautiful or that he loved the way I looked. It was so comforting but at the same time made me more and more upset because I felt that none of the suits fit my body. He photographs high fashion bikini models in his spare time...like come on. I have nothing on that. Maybe TMI but I'm 5'6 and around 133 lbs. I work out 5 days a week. I have to carefully watch what I eat because I gain weight easily. Being told I'm "plus sized" made me feel all of my hard work is for nothing and that I'll never achieve my fitness goals.
I left the mall this weekend so drained and without a bathing suit. I was mad at myself for letting myself be mad. That's why I wanted to write this. Showing some of these flaws and fears.
I long for a "body positive" swim suit line. A swim suit line that would emphasize self worth is not based on a letter or a number.
This experience has helped me discover how to refocus on the positive thoughts instead of the negative and that sometimes you just have off days- and it's ok.
PS I know this post really had nothing to do with LA except these photos were taken in El Matador a bit ago. Erik and I popped some champagne and splashed around in the water. It was a great day :)